i need some time to think about the things that are going on in my life. i have a lot of pressure and it am hoping that writing this down will help me get some of it off my chest.


maybe i have been pushing too hard. if it is meant to be it will be. i had hope that it wouldnt have come to this but it is what it is now. i am going to move on and make myself happy and hope that you will be happy as well. i think that if i am happy with myself i will feel better about alot of things. so i am letting go. always know that i love you.....

tired of being kicked

i am tired of being kick when i am down. when i get to a low something seem to push me even farther down. all i ever did you was try and love you. i have been loyal to you. i have been honest with you. i have accepted you. wish i know what it was i could do. someday i may get over it and be a friend again. today i dont even know when.

i am missing something

i am missing something in my life
i dont really know what or why
i think about the loves i've had
and wonder where i went wrong
i know i wasnt always the best
but i feel no one is ever perfect none the less
i been thinking about the parts of me
the mind and the heart
they are funny things

am i confused about my being
was i put here for a different thing?
i know my life has been sometimes a wreck
and i know i havent been always the best
but i try and try to make life work
only to be pushed down and told i am a jerk
i will keep on trying to show you how
i can make your life better some way some how

i know what missing in my life
its the belief that i can make it right
if i believe in myself i can achieve
the things that make the best of me.....

you are

you are
the reality check that helps me keep on track
you are
the joke that reminds me not to take myself or life too seriously
you are
the built-in cheering section for my successes and dreams
you are
the kind of love i can count on forever
you are
the sunshine after the rain
and that is why you mean the world to me

from your head to your toes

from your head to you toes
i wanna get closer
hold you tight all night
can you be by my side
i will hold you so right
can we look in to each others eyes
and feel the love
when i push up close to you
and be your love
when i see your face
i feel warm inside
wanting to be the one in which you confide
i feel your skin
so smooth and soft
it pulls me in like flames and moths
your kisses are so sweet
all i have to do is taste then to make me wiggle my feet

why do i keep fucking it up?

i seem to at every chance
fuck it up
i dont want to push you away but
some how
some way
i fuck it up
i try to tell you i am trying do better but
some how
some way
i fuck it up
i even wanna have a lasting love
some how
some way i fuck it up
am i a fuck up
sometimes i think so
but one day ill show you
i am not a fuck up

Christmas '09

Well another Christmas is in the books. I didn't really do much. I got a few things for the kids and cards for my Mom and Nicole. I know this is a hard time of the year for me. Christmases have never really been a happy time for me but this year I was not going to let my past dictate this year. I got to see all my sons. The younger ones got a tool set and easel. My oldest son got a book bag (that he really needed) and binders for school work. I am going to try and help him get more organized with his school work. I have mixed emotions about the holiday seasons. On one hand i want to think that "this year will be a happy year" but on the other hand I feel it will not be. This year is tough because I am once again alone. I guess it is of my own doing. I have let down the most important people in my live and I really let down the one I love the most. I am working on fixing the things i can and making the best of what god has given me. I am going to be a better man one step at a time. Merry Christmas

rambling

i tell you what, i never knew my life would be this tough.
i have done things in my past that i am not happy about, but
its too late to change it now. i have 6 kids that have been
in my life for a number of years. 3 of my own. 3 sons that
i love and will do anything for. i love all the kids not just
my own. they may not understand, but i only want them to do
better than i have done with my life. i have been told i have
a cold heart, but that is only when i am really mad and upset.
i am try to get my thoughts together and deal with my short
comings. the woman that i have been in love with for the past
5 years has finally gotten fed up with my inability to be the
man she thinks i can be

angry

I am so angry
I am so angry
I am so angry
I am so angry with the way I came in to this world
Snatched from the womb and thrust upon her ferule
I am so angry with the way I was kicked and beat
Every little sound made me jump to my feet
I am so angry with the way I that was left alone
My soul can’t even be held cause it’s so cold
I am so angry with the way you treated me
You say that you love me even when you are beating me
I am so angry with the way you tore out what little heart I had left
You walked away laughing while I have to clean up the mess
I am so angry with the way you seem not to care
Pouring out my heart to your empty glass stare
I am angry
When I try to start and begin repairs
And think I’m not so angry
Bam you want to take me there
I feel so tense
My shoulders get high
The hair on my neck begins to rise
And all you can do is say “not my problem”
I should have never let you inside and my head would not be throbbing
All I ever want was to be loved
Held and touch like a little angel from above
I don’t want to be so angry
But all of you treated me strangely
And you may say it’s all my fault
But all of this started from that first woman’s assault

last

The wind blow by us, sitting as we stare
I am wondering what a life we could share
I see you face all a glow and think she is special
How can I let her know?
I wonder what you are thinking of
And what do you know
You mind is like a trap
And I am pushing your trigger because I want to know.
I want to know what it feels like to hold you in my arms and squeeze you tight
I want to know what your thoughts are as you lay down beside me at night
I feel you are a flower and you want to grow
I think you are a princess ready for the show
I want to be there when you take that leap holding my hand was we run along god’s creek
I want to you to press your hands in to mine
I want you look at you with the moon lighting you from behind
And when you come home from that long hard day
I want to be there to say “baby it will be ok”
Hold you in my arms as we sit by the fire
Kissing and hugging to your heart’s desire
When the sun starts to rise and you look in my eyes
You say “baby, I love you and that is no lie”
And when I hear those words part your lips
I know deep down inside I didn’t miss
As we get up and ready for the next day’s task
We both know that this love was meant to last

Come On Sons, Follow Me.

I wake up in the morning

I see your smiling faces

What will they want to learn about on this day

You look in to my eyes

But you don’t know what you see

“Is it daddy or are my eyes playing tricks on me”

“No it’s daddy. He look so happy to see me.”

I come up to your face

Nose to nose

Cheek to cheek

I smile

You smile and kiss me on the cheek

I look in to your soft brown eyes

Dang I love that you are my children

“Daddy do you love me?”

I will love you till I am old and gray and beyond you see.

I love you more than the birds that fly

I love you more than pumpkin pie

I love the way you dance so carefree

I love you more than the fish in the sea

I love you more than then hdtv

Now come on sons, follow me

I love you so much that when you grow

You will be strong men and let the world know

You will be so big and strong that the mere mortal cannot hold you back

You will be so strong and you will have each other’s backs

You see how daddy hugs mommy real tight?

Love and honor her and never lose sight

Never lose focus on the dreams we have for you

Cause my sons; this world is all for to you have

You can have anything ,be anyone.

You could even be president, if you decide to run

You will be the leaders of a new world

And even have a beautiful girl

Come on my sons, follow me

To the top of the food chain

You will soar like the falcons

You will be rules of the mountains

And commanders of the sea

Now sit down and eat this fine breakfast your mother has made for us to eat.

I love you my sons

Just you believe in me.